The Mummy Diaries - It’s the terrible two’s... but this time the female version!

The Mummy Diaries - It’s the terrible two’s... but this time the female version!

by Emma Hargan
article from Friday 16, October, 2020

THIS is my life…

“Morning Lily!” I say optimistically.

“NOOOOO!”  Roars Lily.

“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.

“NOOOOO!” Roars Lily.

“Come on downstairs and get some breakfast.” I say.

“NOOOOO!” Roars Lily.

“Okay stay up in your room then.” I reply.


Anyone relate?

Oh yes, we’ve reached that lovely, magical time of the terrible two’s again. Only this time, it’s the female version which (if I do say so myself) is like living with a ticking timebomb, walking on eggshells and when the meltdown happens – stand clear. Oh and of course it is good training for Jamie to learn the first step towards understanding a woman. Where the word ‘No’ can sometimes mean ‘yes’. The second step is actually figuring out when this happens, which as I understand it, no man in the land has ever worked out. Duh!

Lily is 2 years and 4 months old and these extreme tantrums just seem to have started like a bolt out of the blue the last week or so. I suppose I should be grateful that we had the first four months of ‘the terrible twos’ relatively tantrum free. Now, at the moment the way it seems to be working out is day about. We have a good day, followed by a bad day. The good days usually consist of the odd wee spat over a toy they both want to play with, or who stole whose last raisin or the usual fight over watching Peppa Pig or Minions. The bad days? A whole other level..

4.00am - Lily crying because she has lost her dummy or the duvet has fallen on the floor.

4.05am – Falls back asleep again after dummy and duvet restored.

6.30am – Lily wakes up and runs through to Jamie’s room to play.

6.31am – Jamie wakes up.

6.32am – Jamie lifts a toy to play with.


6.33am – World War Three and the rest of the neighbourhood wakened.

And that’s pretty much how the rest of the day goes. The silver lining in all of this is Jamie actually starts to behave better when Lily is going through one of her ‘bad days’. I think he’s probably just afraid to speak, or move, or breathe! I mean, all it took yesterday was for Jamie to tell Lily that she had put her wellie boots on the wrong feet and she threw herself down on the floor and had a proper strop! During the course of the morning, Jamie will stick to his guns, play and do whatever he wants and will stand his ground. Usually by 11.00am Jamie gets fed up fighting, gives into Lily’s demands and will quietly ask me for an apple and a cheese string and sneak off to play with his train set under stairs. 

Then after lunch, Jamie and I have that blissful time of the day when Lily goes for her nap. She usually crashes out straight away as she has been up since 6.30am so she needs it. I don’t even need to say to Jamie to keep the noise down so as to not wake her. He actually tip toes around the place!

3pm – “MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMY!” Screams the little voice from up the stairs.

Jamie jumps up on red alert and frantically starts hiding his Buzz Lightyear and Forky toys before Lily arrives back down and starts bashing them off the floor.

A nappy change and a cuddle later, Lily appears to be in a good mood which lures Jamie into a false sense of security where he lets Lily join in and play. 

3 mins later…

“No Lily! Don’t break the train track up!” Shouts a distressed Jamie.


“NOOOOOOOO!” Screams Jamie looking at a pile of wooden track now lying on the floor.

Lily then picks up a handful of track and runs off. Leaving Jamie sitting in a rage, thinking why did I let her play?

At this point of course, I need to intervene before a piece of track gets ricochet across the room at someone’s head.

One screaming match, lots of tears, plenty of cuddles and a lot of patience later and we have relative peace restored while watching re-runs of Bing and In The Night Garden to the point my brain actually disintegrates to mush and I have to start making the dinner. Now this usually goes one of two ways. Either they are both pre-occupied with whatever kids show is on and happy to play OR it’s like something out of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare’s with lots of f-fing (on mute of course!).

“Daddy’s home!” They both race to the front door. “Yeeeeeaaah!”

“Hello you two!” James says while getting plenty cuddles.

“Oh thank God, you can play with them while I finish this dinner.” I say relieved to have a few minutes break. “Lily’s had one of her off days again!”

James look round and sees Lily and Jamie sitting sharing the Lego quietly.

“Really? They look happy enough to me.” James says.

“Mmmm, yeah.” I replied.

It didn’t take long for all hell to break loose.

“Right Jamie, go and play with the pirate ship. Lily why don’t you finish this Lego with me?” James asks.

“NOOOOOOO!” Lily roars while throwing herself on the floor in a dramatic pose.

“Okay, fine.” James says exasperated while getting to his feet.

“NOOOOOO!” Screams Lily

“What Lil?! What do you want?!” Says James sternly.

“Daddy play Lego.” Replies Lily.

“But you just said…”

“No means yes James.” I interrupt.

“Err, right.” James says confused while sitting down next to Lily again.

After dinner, James plays hide and seek with the kids while I run their bath upstairs.

“Right guys!” I shout. “Bath ready!”

“Noooooo! Don’t want too!” Shouts Lily while Jamie races up the stairs to the bathroom.

“Okay Lily, you stay down here with me then.” James says.

“NOOOOOOO! I want a bath.” Demands Lily.

“Err, right.” Says James shaking his head.

Bath time runs pretty smoothly until it’s time to get out and both usually kick off then as they want to stay in the bath, forever, apparently! Once the kids are into their pyjamas, stories read, cuddles and bed time are done, it’s a sigh of relief! I start to make tomorrow’s lunches before I sit down and relax.

“So, what would you like for your birthday?” James asks.

“Oh nothing, I don’t need anything.” I reply.

“Right okay!” James says, while walking away.

James glances down at the floor, turns back and says, “Is this one of these woman times when NO or nothing actually means YES or something?”

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