The Mummy Diaries – Keep Calm and Mummy On!

The Mummy Diaries – Keep Calm and Mummy On!

by Emma Hargan
article from Saturday 26, September, 2020

WE ARE in the middle of a pandemic. Our county has gone into further restrictions since midnight. The Playschool is closed. We have to queue and wear masks everywhere. We are dosed with the cold. 

But come on right. There’s a silver lining to everything, isn’t there? Yes, we’re in the middle of a pandemic but it’s giving us all chance to get back to basics and appreciate the little things. Yes, the Playschool is closed but it’s giving me a chance to spend more time with my kids together. Yes, we have to queue and wear masks but it’s making us more organised and instead of wasting time going shopping, taking the kids to the beach or the playpark instead. Dosed with the cold? Hot whiskeys all the way!

All that stuff is easy. Yes, easy. Easy in comparison to say, having to buy a dress for an upcoming family wedding?

Meet Mummy.

Mummy has to buy a new dress for an upcoming family wedding. Mummy is now cacking herself as the clock is now ticking and Mummy has spent the last three months trawling every online dress shop and there is nothing! I mean I have been specific with my google searches so how hard can it be?

SEARCH: “Wedding guest dresses” 

Nothing.

SEARCH: “Occasion dresses” 

Nada.

SEARCH: “Occasion dresses for curvy figure” 

Nope.

SEARCH: “Dress to hide C-section tummy pouch with suck in material for ass and back fat” 

For fox ache.

Now meet Daddy.

Daddy can’t get his head around why it is so complicated so buy a dress.

This is because Daddy is a man. All Daddy has to do is buy a shirt size large and tell Mummy that his suit needs to be dry cleaned before the said day.

Bastard.

Mummy tries to explain to Daddy that it’s not that easy, so Daddy suggests he will go online and have a look.

And hey presto! Daddy finds Mummy a dress. Oh he finds her a dress alright. And it would look lovely if I wanted to go as some geriatric hooker!

Fox ache.

Mummy then spends over £200 ordering dresses online in sizes 8 (ever hopeful!) 10 and 12. All mummy has to do now it wait for 2 working days on delivery. Mummy then lives on coconut milk and blueberry smoothies and imagines what said dresses will look like until dresses arrive.. 

The dresses arrive.

Size 8 – Can’t get past my knees.

Size 10 – Let’s just say busted sofa comes to mind.

Size 12 – Hanging off me.

Fox ache.

Mummy hits the shops. First shop, queues outside for ten minutes. Spends 20 minutes, only to find one dress. Takes various sizes of said dress into the changing room. Spends 20 minutes trying on dresses. Size 10 fits. Good start but dress is slightly short and is backless so would need to invest in bra cups and superglue to hold boobs in place, plus a pair of Bridget Jones pants. Nah, okay moving on..

Second shop. Plenty of summer dresses but nothing for a wedding.

Third shop. Couple of options but none fit properly.

Fourth shop. Too short.

Fifth shop. Too long.

Sixth, seventh and eighth... Well you get the idea.

12 shops and four hours later…

Mummy lands home with a gorgeous wee dress for Lily, a suit and shoes for Jamie,  a shirt (size large) for James and a new pair of jeans for myself – and wine.

That evening after the kids are in bed, it was back to the drawing board. Mummy again begins to trawl online for dresses but this time with a glass of the medicinal stuff to assist in choices. Mummy then thinks about this for a second. I mean yeah, we are in the middle of a global pandemic and on the verge of another country lock down but come on, we have to get our priorities in order. I have a dress to find!

A couple of glasses of wine later and mummy orders the dress that she tried on in the first shop, plus bra cups, plus superglue and a pair of Bridget Jones pants.

“So, did you have a nice relaxing time out at the shops?” Asks Daddy.

Mummy then explains what she will do to Daddy using a one word syllable if he ever refers to her going dress shopping as a relaxing time away on her own again.  

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