Mummy hits the wall, sticks with the pyjamas and discovers 'plug patrol'

Mummy hits the wall, sticks with the pyjamas and discovers 'plug patrol'

by Emma Hargan
article from Monday 20, April, 2020

The Mummy Diaries

SPOILER ALERT: Real life mummy rant. If you’re one of those perfect mums, with the perfect kids and ‘loving the lock down’, spending quality time together-type families, then look away now.

Everyone else, stop crying in the shower, have another glass of wine and keep reading…

Week 556,487,998 in quarantine. Well, not quite but that’s what it feels like. It’s like living Groundhog Day, over and over and over again. Am I the only one feeling like this? It’s quite possible that in the space of ten minutes I can flit from looking at my kids playing happily together, giving each other cuddles and the giggles while they are chasing each other around the house that my heart could burst with pride and love. Then in the next ten minutes when Lily thumps Jamie across the arm with a Buzz Lightyear, Jamie responds by grabbing said Buzz and launching him across the room while pushing Lily over with the other hand, I want to scream, ‘SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING!’

Yes, I think I can safely say I hit the wall this week. This is HARD. I have spent the last few weeks trying to come up with new ideas, plan games and do baking to avoid exactly this. And while all this worked for the first few weeks in lockdown, the stuff that was exciting and new is starting to become the same old routine and getting boring – or so I’m told.

Me: ‘Do you want to play balloons?’

Response: ‘No’

Me: ‘Do you want to build Lego?’

Response: ‘No’

Me: ‘Do you want to do a treasure hunt?’

Response: ‘No’

Me: ‘Will we build forts?’

Response: ‘No’

Me: ‘Do you want? Do you want? Do you want?’

Response: ‘No, No, No.’

Fox. Ache. Ungrateful little ah-hems.

We had a lovely Easter weekend and it started off with my night out on Friday! James said he would get the kids sorted for bed. I was soooo excited. After James landed home from work, we had the dinner and I jumped in the shower, did my hair, slapped on a bit of foundation and put on a pair of jeans and a nice top. I gave the kids a kiss, grabbed my phone, keys and handbag and ran out of the front door, jumped into the car and got the tunes going.

“Right! Let’s hit Asda!”

The simple pleasures.

Saturday was a lovely day so we spent it mostly in the garden. Sunday was great fun. Chocolate Easter eggs for breakfast of course, then Jamie spent most of the morning decorating the hard-boiled eggs for rolling in the garden. After Lily had her nap, we did the Easter egg hunt which the kids loved. I had made a nice roast dinner which I wasn’t expecting the kids to eat after all the chocolate that got devoured, but they polished their dinner off as well, and then asked for ice cream. I think they’ve both got hollow legs! What a great weekend (see photo above).

Then…

Monday morning arrived and it’s never really recovered since (see photo below). We got up, had breakfast and I tried to do the usual Joe Wicks PE class on YouTube, which was a disaster. Jamie and Lily spent the whole time fighting over a microphone. Yes, a microphone for their karaoke machine that they never look at but for some reason, on this Monday morning, at the exact same time – they BOTH wanted the microphone. I almost bloody ruptured myself trying to do an up and down plank while screaming, ‘SHARE THE TOYS!’

Then, to add insult to injury, at the end of the session, Joe says, “Now remember folks, you can’t exercise out a bad diet.”

“What??!!” I squealed, while racing to the sad step (the scales).

FOR. FOX. ACHE.

All this hard work for the last four weeks and he’s only telling me now that afte this that I still can’t eat and drink my own bodyweight in crisps and wine all week! I think I’ve actually put a stone on. I was just putting that down to the extra muscle I was gaining. Ha! So basically, now not only do I have to endure Groundhog Day, I’m going to have to do without alcohol. Well, let’s not go THAT far.

Tuesday and the sun was out. Brilliant! Right, a new day, let’s start again. And it went well, up until we were about half-an-hour out in the garden and Jamie fell off the slide and said, “Aw shit!” at the top of his lungs. Of course, every neighbour within the vicinity was out in their garden. Needless to say the kids got hauled back into the house quicker than I could say, ‘Stop fecking swearing!’ or words to that effect.

Wednesday. Jamie had discovered that he can now remove the plug guards from their sockets. Wednesday morning was then spent trying to remove anything metal within eyesight that could be poked into a plug socket. The afternoon was spent running around after Jamie who had found the things I hadn’t, like teaspoons and microphone leads. I was so busy, I didn’t even get a chance to get dressed out of my pyjamas. All I kept thinking was please God don’t let us end up in A&E just now! Not that there is ever a good time for your son to electrocute himself. We made it to bedtime and I’ve never been so relieved and exhausted!

Thursday. What a delight of a day! Lily woke up at 4am and wouldn’t go back to sleep. By lunchtime, Jamie had got into trouble for cursing inside AND outside the house. All the plug guards had now been removed and hidden by Jamie. Lily was working on a new suicide jump (climb up on the arm of the sofa and jump from one sofa to the other). By the time James came home, my nerves were shot and I was just glad to have our two little humans still alive. On a. positive note, I did manage to get dressed that day.

So that’s pretty much how our week has went. Hence the reason why I’m writing my blog later in the week than I usually do. It was a crap week and I think it’s important to tell you all about it. It might even make some of you other mummies smile and think, thank God I’m not the only one. Because you aren’t. We are all losing our shit, it just happens to us all at different times and in different ways. Social media doesn’t help as we are inundated with pictures of families playing, smiling and cuddling, which makes us feel even worse when we are having a bad week! But let’s face it, the truth is no one is going to post a picture up on Facebook of them having a meltdown at their toddler because they are trying to shove a metal spoon into the plug sockets.

The point is, we are in exceptional circumstances, under a lot of pressure and worried about our kids. Be it them missing out on school, or seeing friends or family and being cooped up under lock and key. Not to mention the deadly virus that’s doing the rounds as well!

It’s now the weekend, we survived another week, it’s acceptable to have a wee drink and don’t forget - you are doing your best and that’s all you can do!

#inthistogether #mummymeltdowns #letshelpeachother 

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