The Mummy Diaries: Two babies – Week 33

The Mummy Diaries: Two babies – Week 33

by Emma Hargan
article from Monday 4, February, 2019

LAST WEEKEND, I took Jamie with me to do the weekly food shop as usual. Jamie loves going to the store with me and gets all excited when I lift him into the trolley. As we were walking up and down the aisles, I was concentrating on my list with all the things to get, when a lady asked if I could reach up on the top shelf and grab her down the bottle at the back. We made small talk about the weather and then she looked around at Jamie to speak to him and there it happened. Jamie had decided to start undressing himself in the middle of Asda! 

“No Jamie,” I said frantically trying to put his clothes back on. “We don”t take our clothes off in a shop!” In my embarrassment at shouting at Jamie, it got me thinking. I say things like that all the time. Things I thought I would never say!

As a parent, you know what I mean, don”t you? I”m not even talking about a one off, I”m talking about things I know I say all the time! For example, at least once a week…

“Stop licking the doors!”

“You can’t dance naked at the window!”

“Get out of the freezer!”

Then we have the daily outbursts..

“Get your hands out of your trousers!”

“If you keep playing with that, it will fall off!”

“Don’t put your toe in your nose!” / “Don’t put your finger up your nose!” / “Don’t put anything up your bloody nose!”

“We don’t wear pants on our head.”

I didn’t even realise I said these things until I actually heard myself. The number of times I actually say “For f**ks sake” until I said it and then Jamie turned around and repeated it. Well, he actually said, “fox ache.” But it was at that point I realised I have to start saying these things in my head – or better still, not at all! 

Then there’s the other stupid things I say out loud with Lily. She’ll be roaring her head off and I lift her up and try to comfort her by saying, “Oh I know, I know” when I have no bloody clue what’s wrong with her. Then I’ll say to my friend, “Oh Jamie’s so clever, if Lily’s crying, he gets her bottle and takes it to her or will give her a toy.” All while trying to put PlayDoh in his ear – not so smart.

Then the classic, “Ok, I’ll leave you here then bye!” while walking around the corner, hoping this will make him get a move on but no. By the time I glance around, Jamie is quite happy that I’ve left him to carry on licking the lamp post. 

“What a good boy!” Yes it’s positive reinforcement but it sometimes feels like I’m training a Labrador. It’s even worse now that Jamie is repeating it back to me. He tells me after I empty the dishwasher that I’m a good boy.

Then there are the things you would only ever say in the house because it would be inappropriate outside the house..

“Come here so I can smell your butt.”

“Please tell me that’s Nutella on your hands?”

“If you fall off that coffee table and break your leg then don’t come running to me!”

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

“Stop crying, do you even know what you’re crying for?”

“Don’t sit on the baby!”

“Don’t throw your broccoli at your sister!”

Of course I don’t always mean these things literally, so why do we say them? I can remember when I was a kid and had been bad, I got a slap and my mum asked me, “Do you want another one?” I remember thinking, what a stupid question! 

The clincher this week? I had to phone Sky yesterday to update my contract. I had been on hold for 15 minutes. Of course, Jamie wanted the phone as soon as he saw I was using it. I grabbed James’ old phone and handed it to Jamie to keep him amused for however long the call was going to take. I glanced down and saw Jamie was on YouTube watching a sketch from Despicable Me. I took the phone off him and said, “No you’re not watching Minions farting.”

“Good morning, welcome to Sky, how can I help you?” 

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