How NOT to bed your partner

How NOT to bed your partner

by Jackie Anderson
article from Saturday 28, October, 2017

THERE IS ALWAYS someone somewhere doing some silly survey that usually benefits no one except the person paid to do it. The latest is from ‘leading life coach’  Olga Levancuka, never heard of her? Me neither, but she’s set herself up as a guru on how you sleep with your partner in bed defines the state of your relationship. 

As the author of ‘How to be selfish’ I’m guessing this qualifies her to make a balanced judgement if your relationship’s on the rocks. I would have thought the waking hours would probably be more of an indication if you and your partner are heading for Singledom.

Wading into this survey is Bensons for Beds who state that in its recent survey 38 per cent of couples that have a late night row end up sleeping in separate beds and a quarter of married couples sleep permanently in separate beds. Call me a cynic, but this may be a ploy to buy more beds...

The first red flag Olga points out is Spooning, where one partner has their back to the other and the other cuddles in. This she points out, is one of the most common sleeping positions in couples, and can show one person’s protectiveness over the other – or it could just show you need a new mattress as the one you have dips in the middle. 

If, however, your sleeping at the edge of the bed there’s something amiss and could show you’re disconnected from your relationship, really? I sleep at the edge so I’m near the light, my water, my book, glasses etc… mmm maybe she’s a point here.

Next is sleeping on your partner’s chest, I don’t believe this actually happens except in movies, however this apparently means you want more independence and you want more time to yourself. Try sleeping at the edge of the bed ...

The bed starfish indicates selfishness, no great revelation here but Olga states if this is a regular occurrence you’re in the wrong relationship. In my experience this only happens in my bed when too much libation has occurred and as you sober up during the night it rectifies itself. As it usually means we both are like starfish at one point I’m guessing this is okay and not grounds for divorce.

Playing footsie indicates a craving for attention and it’s one of my hates, if hubby’s size nines even wander over to my side he gets a swift size six.

Olga’s wisdom then informs us that your relationship is closer than ever if you sleep back-to-back with bottoms touching. Brilliant, as this is one of my usual sleeping positions, although I’m not sure if it counts that you and hubby’s backsides are so big that unless you have a king size bed they are bound to touch.

The nuzzle is another sign that everything’s okay where you sleep on your partner’s shoulder. It shows protection, high level of trust and friendship. I suppose you would need all three when you wake up in the morning with your face numb and a mouthful of chest hair not to mention your partner’s numb shoulder dripping with drool.

Face-to-face and same level heads shows you’ve got like minds and know what the other’s thinking. After many years of marriage I don’t need to be a relationship guru to read my hubby’s mind and as hubby has a penchant for garlic this is a definite no no. At this point I’m thinking I might have to sleep with one eye open to reassure myself that I’m not about to be banished to that single bedroom.

Lastly it’s back-to-back and far apart, yippee, brilliant! It’s commonly thought of as a bad position for couples but apparently shows connection, security and an independent relationship.

I’m not sure what Olga would make of being a bit pissed and falling into bed waking up in the morning with all your clothes still on, but that’s maybe another survey…


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